Penny Mordaunt gave Angela Rayner a frightful biffing in the Commons yesterday. Surprising, I know!
If these two were to ever square up to each other, most money would be on bovver- booted Rayner.
Back in her youth, I doubt many dared pick a fight with our Ange in the playground.
Yet when the pair met over the despatch box, Paymaster General Ms Mordaunt was the one handing out the punishment.
By the end, she left Rayner shrivelled in her seat like a dried up prune.
Monstered her, she did. And without so much as a raised decibel. You’d struggle to find a more elegant piece of skewering among Marseille’s finest kebabists.
Angela Rayner, Labour’s new Shadow Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, was certainly kitted out for a skirmish. I’ve not seen shoulder pads quite like that since Dynasty was on TV
Ms Rayner had forced us all to the chamber after tabling an urgent question on Ministerial Interests. Ange, who now answers to the title, among several others, of shadow chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, was looking to stir up trouble over sleaze allegations.
That her counterpart Michael Gove hadn’t shown up didn’t seem to bother her. In Posh Penny, Ange possibly saw a pushover.
Rayner was certainly kitted out for a skirmish. I’ve not seen shoulder pads quite like that since Dynasty was on TV.
No sooner had Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle summoned her than that foghorn-in-a-pea-souper voice was sounding off about ministers thinking rules were ‘for other people’. By ’eck, she was loud.
She raised the issue of the PM’s holiday to Mustique, or the ‘Sleazyjet trip’ as she put it.
Sir Lindsay hastily pointed out the trip was under investigation by the Standards Commissioner, so was strictly off limits. Whoops.
Soon, Rayner was blasting away about government procurement. She accused Home Secretary Priti Patel and Health Secretary Matt Hancock of awarding lucrative PPE contracts to cronies.
With this crescendo of invective still pinging against the walls, Ms Mordaunt rose to respond. Fragrant creature, is she not? Perfect hair, pristine vowels
Typical Tory scum. Always in hock to their donors. As she accused ministers of using public funds like a cashpoint, an admiring smile crept across her face as if to say: ‘I came up with that one all by myself.’
With this crescendo of invective still pinging against the walls, Ms Mordaunt rose to respond. Fragrant creature, is she not? Perfect hair, pristine vowels.
True, a little mirthless at times but we can let that slide. Calmly and authoritatively, she pointed out that the central charge being made was that ministers were ‘on the take’.
Rather than ‘working their socks off to save lives’, what they’ve actually been trying to do, in Rayner’s eyes, is ‘do a mate – more accurately, a Tory mate, or someone they vaguely know, or met in a lift once, or perhaps do not know at all – a favour’.
Then, slowly, but oh so softly, she let rip. The allegations were based ‘not on fact but on speculation, innuendo and smear’. Hence why the public paid little interest.
Then came a Detective Columbo moment. ‘Oh, just one more thing…’ Penny had looked at the register of interests and totted up the donations Hancock and Patel had received since last March.
‘If you were to double them – no, Mr Speaker, if you were to quadruple them – you would still just about match what the Honourable Lady herself has received in the same time period,’ she announced.
Yes, it turns out Labour’s union paymasters are very keen on Angela. The government benches echoed with exaggerated ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaaahs’.
Rayner simply shook her head, her eyes bobbling about behind her mask. Meanwhile, Mordaunt said she was focused on getting the country up and running, adding: ‘I hope that, after her debut today, she will be too, and I wish her well.’
Then, with a flick of that immaculate mane, she neatly sat back down, carefully placing one leg over the other. Job done!