CRAIG BROWN: My satsumas had lost their zest for life! Lockdown Diary Part 2 

September 2020

• I spotted my neighbour three doors down having a long chat with the man from Amazon. She seems to be having a delivery every day, none of it necessary. Some people are completely addicted to shopping!

• I watched Steph’s Packed Lunch on Channel 4. Vince Cable was on. The chef was cooking scones and he let Vince Cabe try one. Vince Cable said it was delicious, but he didn’t look as if he meant it. Politicians will do anything for a vote.

• Amazon delivery — two new T-shirts, a mug with Matt Lucas’s face on it, a book of household tips, eg how to get a milk stain out of a velvet pin-cushion using a mixture of red wine and vinegar and a novelty drinking-straw. I don’t know how I’d survive without Amazon.

October 2020

• I see from the newspaper that the Beckhams are holidaying in the Bahamas. She seems to have lost a little weight. In fact, she’s almost too thin. You never see her smiling. And is that another tattoo on his neck?

• I overheard my neighbour talking on the phone in her garden to someone and telling them they must come and stay. I felt so furious. Haven’t they heard there’s a pandemic on?

November 2020

• A friend called, and was thinking of coming to stay. He doesn’t know whether it’s in the rules or not. I said, well, as long as we are reasonably careful, I’m sure no one would have any objection. Mind you, there are some nosey-parkers who would probably object to anything!

• I was going to read Booker prize-winning Shuggie Bain but I read Anton Du Beke’s autobiography instead. I forget what it’s called. He’s had quite a life!

December 2020

• Out on a walk, I spotted someone not cleaning up after their dog. I thought of saying something, but decided against.

• I heard a joke and thought: ‘That’s good. I must write that one down.’ But I couldn’t find a pen, and now I can’t remember what it was.

• Ordered five new ballpoint pens off Amazon.

• Regretted ordering five new ballpoint pens off Amazon. Spent ten minutes trying to find out how to cancel the order, then gave up. They should arrive tomorrow.

January 2021

• We were 45 minutes into watching Location, Location, Location before we realised it was a repeat from 2019. But having watched so much of it already we thought we may as well watch to the end, so we did. At the end, they told Kirsty they had decided to stick with the house they already owned and enlarge the kitchen. She was clearly disappointed, after spending so much time finding a new house for them.

February 2021

• I was walking in a strong wind when my hat flew off. But it didn’t go far, so thankfully I was able to pick it up and put it back on.

• In the newsagent’s, a woman was looking at a photo on the front page of a paper. I heard her saying to her friend: ‘You’d have thought Boris could afford a decent haircut with all his money. I mean!’ Her friend replied: ‘Well, he must have a lot on his mind, what with one thing and another.’

March 2021

• At lunchtime, I watched Steph’s Packed Lunch on Channel 4. Alan ‘Chatty Man’ Carr and Ann Widdecombe were on. They both tasted the vegetarian lasagne the chef had made, and seemed to like it. But, apart from that, they didn’t seem to have much in common.

• I answered the phone. It was someone offering me a huge amount of free money at a very reasonable price. But then something made me think it might be a hoax. I didn’t say anything, but just kept chatting to him, as I had nothing better to do, and he seemed perfectly friendly.

April 2021

• I bought a bag of 12 ‘easy-peel’ satsumas on special offer at the supermarket. They had no taste to them.

• After I’d stared at a cloud in the sky this morning I began to think it looked a bit like Ted Hastings in Line Of Duty. I was going to take a photograph of it, but by the time I’d found the camera the cloud had changed it shape. Now it looked more like a smudge.