Not a natural extrovert? No problem! Some of the world’s most successful people are shy, says entrepreneur and coach Annie Ridout. Here’s how to follow their lead and use it to your advantage
As a young child, I was shy. I’d hide in the folds of my mum’s flowing skirts rather than join in with the party games. When well-meaning adults leant down to talk to me, I recoiled. I wanted to be left in a safe, quiet space and only emerge when I felt ready.
As we mature it can be harder to identify shyness, maybe because we expect people to grow out of it. This means it can become buried and feel like a source of shame.
In my teens and 20s, social and educational situations filled me with dread. I was incredibly self-conscious. If I had a presentation to give, I’d sometimes take the day off to avoid it, and when I started looking for a job, I developed panic attacks.
At this stage, I decided to do something about my social anxiety. I started seeing a therapist for cognitive behavioural therapy and with her help, I was able to manage my – now daily – panic attacks. I started to understand that I had control over my thought process, which in turn could help me in certain situations.
Back then, it felt like survival, getting through each day. I didn’t realise I was learning skills that I could use for the rest of my life. I felt there was this confidence somewhere inside me but I didn’t know how to access it. Shyness can make you feel trapped but thankfully, while it will always lurk within me and in some ways impact my decision-making, I’m no longer paralysed by it. Now that I feel fairly confident, I’m able to reflect on my shyness and see it not as a mental-health issue or fault but as something that has bestowed me with certain attributes. Shyness doesn’t need to hold you back – in fact, it may just be the making of you.
Like with all of life’s challenges, it means you are forced to find ways to compensate. Just ask Beyoncé, Nicole Kidman, Rosa Parks, Greta Thunberg, Elton John and Richard Branson. All admit to being shy. All haven’t just survived – but thrived.
Shyness can actually boost your career
A 2016 study found some common advantages to being shy or introverted in the workplace. Shy people are better at monitoring themselves and others, observing, listening, more comfortable with silence, better at taking a perspective and refraining from action.
Introverts also have a slower, more careful approach to language which tends to increase the level of trustworthiness perceived by listeners, a 2012 study found. And in business, trust matters. Hugely.
So while we’d mostly imagine extroverts to make better bosses, that’s not always the case. Virgin boss Richard Branson says even now he feels shy from time to time, but notes how it makes him a better listener. ‘As a leader, you should always be listening,’ he says. ‘Be visible, note down what you hear and you‘ll be surprised how much you learn. Successes happen from working with and learning from some of the world’s most inspiring and inspired people.’
It can be easy for employers and co-workers to misjudge a shy person as someone who has less ambition, drive and less to contribute. But it’s worth breaking through the quiet façade to show what’s going on inside.
You don’t have to shout to be heard
When I was four or five, my parents bought me a bike with stabilisers for my birthday. After a few days, I asked my dad to remove them and I rode straight up the garden on my own. I remember how I had a strong need to ride a bike properly.
It is a mistake to associate shyness with a lack of determination. Or to think that shy people lack confidence in their own ideas and abilities. Executive coach Louise McKee (former HR director for Tesco and Barclays) says that while introverts tend to have very clear thoughts and views, because they’ve had time to consider them, they then need to employ slightly more extrovert behaviours to get their ideas across.
There is no greater example of being able to get what you want – without being a naturally outgoing person – than that of civil rights campaigner Rosa Parks in 1955 refusing to give up her seat on the bus for a white person. This act of bravery led to nationwide efforts to end racial segregation of public facilities. And yet Rosa Parks was known to be ‘shy and quiet-spoken’. It’s sometimes our actions and determination that matter more than the volume of our voice.
Break out of your comfort zone
The secret of shy people’s success is often that they have been forced to face their fears. It may even add a winning edge. We tend to use past experiences to teach us how to move forward in life, so when we force ourselves to face a fear – for instance, speaking out in that meeting or social situation – this helps mould our personality. We become braver in character.
‘I struggle with [getting] through my shyness,’ Nicole Kidman once said, ‘because if I’m willing to speak up and not be obedient all the time, then I’m free and I do much better work. But if I haven’t worked for a long time, my shyness comes back.’
Actor Jim Carrey has also experienced shyness. ‘As a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one even talked to me.’
It’s possible their shyness is the reason they started acting in the first place. Once a shy child has started acting classes, and realised they feel passionately about pursuing a career on stage or camera, they are not only using these new skills to propel them into a more confident state, but they are also setting themselves up to experience lower levels of shyness as adults.
Spending a lot of time in familiar, socially unchallenging contexts (such as being at home) may result in higher levels of shyness, so it stands to reason that regularly pushing yourself outside your comfort zone builds confidence – and success.
It can’t be ‘exorcised’ in front of a crowd
When I was eight years old, I moved to a new primary school. A few months in, I was sitting in assembly and the head teacher announced that I’d be singing a solo in front of the whole school. I’d never done this before and had no time to prepare. I stood at the front, trembling as I looked at 300 unfamiliar faces. The head teacher was standing by the piano, saying, ‘Louder, louder!’
I now wonder if she was trying to exorcise my shyness. Perhaps she thought that if she forced me to get up in front of all those people and perform, I’d see that it wasn’t all that bad – and that would be the end of my shyness. But that’s not how it works.
More importantly, shyness isn’t a fault that needs fixing. Shyness is a trait that should be accepted warmly. But society’s clear message is that in order to get ahead, you must be brave and strong, not quiet and careful. This is asking shy people to battle their instinctive nature.
If shyness is labelled as a fault, this attaches shame to it. I urge everyone who is shy and feels ashamed of it to tell one friend or family member that you experience shyness. This might make you feel vulnerable, but it might also help you to feel lighter. You’ll no longer be carrying the secret.
Mindset coach Rebecca Caution says, ‘Shyness needs a rebrand. It comes from sensitivity and empathy. These are powers, not weaknesses. That ability to connect is the very heart of what it means to be human. How can that be anything but a good thing?’
I agree with Rebecca. If I could go back and remove the shyness from my childhood, would I? No. It’s an important – even treasured – part of me, and my past. It will rear its head, sometimes awkwardly, and at other times it will help me to understand how someone else is feeling. But it’s no longer something I am wishing away.
Shy: How Being Quiet Can Lead to Success by Annie Ridout will be published by Fourth Estate on 15 April, price £12.99. To pre-order a copy for £11.04 until 25 April, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3308 9193. Free P&P on orders over £20.