Now that the shutters have slammed down on the Bank of Dad and with the MumCash reserves down to the last £20 million or so, Prince Harry has had to take drastic action.
At the tender age of 36, he has put childish things behind him and gone out to get himself a job. Two jobs in fact. Good for him!
Firstly, the Prince has accepted the role of Chief Impact Officer at a Silicon Valley start-up called BetterUp, a ‘unicorn employee-coaching and mental health’ firm that hires privileged, lucky people to help other privileged, lucky people lead lives filled with lovely privilege and even more luck.
Harry has also become a ‘commissioner’ with a trendy think-tank called the Aspen Institute. He will be taking part in their new Commission on Information Disorder, a study examining the state of American misinformation and disinformation.
Hush, be calm, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that the Prince of Peeve might as well start with the misinfo and disinfo that he and his wife ladled out like hot soup during their Oprah interview earlier this month. Starting with the wedding that never was and all that business about Archie being denied his birthright, when nothing of the sort happened.
Prince Harry has accepted the role of Chief Impact Officer at a Silicon Valley start-up called BetterUp
Yet in his new role, Harry complains about the ‘avalanche of misinformation’ that rumbles around the Sussexes — but to be frank, aren’t they a couple of reckless boulders leading the charge on that slippery slope?
Perhaps his first task as Fake News Commissioner will be an investigation into himself, in which he will find himself wanting, and send himself a stern memo. The new positions are just what you might expect from a self-styled global philanthropist who wants to change the world by telling everyone else what to do; positions that are elite, vague, grandiose and — one suspects — largely ornamental.
Certainly nothing that involves scholarship, hard toil or personal sacrifice. And everything that involves the exploitation of the royal status and hinterland from which the Prince was so desperate to escape.
Commissioner? Impact Officer? The fancy titles are typical of that cloying Californian wellness environment where someone who works in a shop is called a ‘retail customer experience ambassador’ and a van driver is a ‘vehicle operations specialist’.
How I love it! America truly is the land of opportunity, a place where they can send a man to the moon and a dimbulb like Harry to join a brains trust and plug himself into a think-tank. It’s charming that they take him so seriously, don’t you think? Especially as he has less than extensive corporate experience and just the two dodgy A-levels to his name.
The Duke of Two Jobs is to be applauded for launching himself so successfully onto the workplace, but why stop there? Here are some more positions that would be perfect for our darling Prince and his burgeoning employment portfolio . . .
CHIEF EMPATHY OFFICER
The Ball Breaker Charity is looking for a Chief Empathy Officer who can liaise with, comfort and mentor men who are victims of domineering wives. Husbands who are fed up with doing yoga and eating tofurky for lunch will be tutored by the empathy officer in a holistic, personalised coaching experience guaranteed to cling to the self and produce positive results.
Here is the official mantra, repeat after me: Even when she insists on keto and lentil, I’ll be looking after my health — and I mean mental.
AVOCADO ADVOCATE
The successful candidate will be expected to understand the turbulent history of avocados, once known as alligator pears
The successful candidate will be expected to understand the turbulent history of avocados, once known as alligator pears. In 2017, avocados were ultra-fashionable, the healthy and guilt-free snack choice for Instagrammers everywhere. Two years later the bloom was off the fruit, as news reports linked them to water shortages, illegal deforestation and gang wars in third-world countries.
The linking of two royal duchesses to the fruit at these different points in its turbulent history had nothing to do with racism and everything to do with timing. The Avocado Advocate needs to be able to connect the dots between these two events and come to a logical conclusion instead of the usual unholy guacamole of blame-spraying conjecture. Now I’ve got that off my chest, let’s move on to…
BEST-SELLERDOM
A writer? Why not? With a wife who has authored several self-help fruit, Harry is ideally placed to corner the mindfulness market with his tales of triumph over torment and self over selflessness. Many will be inspired by his bid to flee from the tyranny of inherited wealth to live his best and authentic life in a mansion with 16 bathrooms.
His first self-help book? My money is on How To Cope With Becoming Economically Independent In Your 30s. Chapter headings include: My Family Literally Cut Me Off Financially; What Is a Mortgage?; Fiscal Insecurity — Who Pays For My Security, and Hiya Dad, The Bill’s In The Post.
WIND TURBINE TECHNICIAN
JAN MOIR: ‘Environmentally conscious applicants will be expected to harness and blow a lot of hot air across America’
Environmentally conscious applicants will be expected to harness and blow a lot of hot air across America, so who better than Harry?
He must troubleshoot and test existing structures while maintaining the exterior and physical integrity of all towers and turrets — surely a cinch for any royal Prince. Working knowledge of hydraulics and waterworks is a bonus, as is turning on the tears when it suits. Must be prepared to relocate to areas of consistent wind.
ROYAL RAP STAR
After his Fresh Prince Of Bel Air rap with James Corden, could Harry strike out as international royal rapper, the Pam Ayres Of Bel Air?
Why not? Music experts suggest he could even sing rap versions of traditional English songs as a special tribute to the country he left behind, along with his dear old gran.
Songs could include Boiled (Plant-Based) Beef And Carrots; My Old Man’s A Dustman And He’s Put Me In The Bin; Knees Up Mother Diversity; God Save The Queen (‘Cos She’s My Cash Machine); and The Blue Blood Blues.
All royalties will go to charity, except the charities that go to royalty.
CHIEF INTERPERSONAL MEDIATOR SPECIALISING IN FAMILY DISPUTES
The gift of family can become a burden — but with the help of an experienced go-between, even the most fractured family relationships can heal. Harry would be an excellent mediator. He already has a working knowledge of ‘burned bridge syndrome’, in which family members behave so badly that there is no going back. Ever.
He would work in a resolution process following breakdown with a person-orientated perspective and hopefully negotiate together with all parties (except Thomas Markle) to reach mutually acceptable arrangements, manage discord and dissipate the powerful infantile feelings that can lead to conflict.
But Kate is never going to speak to Meghan again, so why bother?
A MICKEY MOUSE DISNEY EXECUTIVE
Disney need a Mickey Mouse executive, a multi-hyphenate creator to operate in the Shine-A-Light-Area where they will focus on the future, imagine they are a raindrop at crucial moments and be responsible for all rodentia matters
Disney need a Mickey Mouse executive, a multi-hyphenate creator to operate in the Shine-A-Light-Area where they will focus on the future, imagine they are a raindrop at crucial moments and be responsible for all rodentia matters.
Fondness for cheese a must. Candidates will need to have a university degree plus at least four years of business experience. Failing this they could simply ‘be Prince Harry’.
‘I’ve seen him operate,’ said one Disney executive who met the Prince at a red carpet event. ‘He’s totally Mickey Mouse.’
WAITER/BARISTA
JAN MOIR: ‘Working in a coffee shop would certainly suit his oft-stated wish that he ‘wants to serve”
Perhaps Prince Harry should have at least one job in his portfolio that realistically reflects his life qualifications. Working in a coffee shop would certainly suit his oft-stated wish that he ‘wants to serve’.
Here, your sphere of influence can only grow as you move on from Tall to Grande and Venti.
The Prince will learn new skills and understand that with great power comes great responsibility — so make that milk and two sugars please.
Sharon’s new basic instinct is a good one
When she got to her 60s, Sharon Stone decided to ditch her agent because she didn’t want to be ‘pitched’ any more.
‘I’ve let go of people telling me all the reasons why I cannot work,’ the actress writes in her new memoir, The Beauty Of Living Twice.
‘I think 40 years of too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too blonde, too brown, too young, too old. Too this, too that.
When she got to her 60s, Sharon Stone decided to ditch her agent because she didn’t want to be ‘pitched’ any more
‘I’m not really interested in the why-you-can’t-return-my-call of it all any more.
‘So, if a director wants me, specifically, they’ll be able to find me.’
If they don’t, she is busy getting on with the rest of her life.
Well done, Sharon. I like your practicality, energy, honesty and acceptance.
And the fact that your basic instinct is not to sit at home, waiting for the phone to ring, as life passes by.
Shutting up shop on memory lane
These John Lewis store closures are terrible news. A friend is devastated by the closure of the Aberdeen branch and she will not be alone.
Many devotees were counting down the days until the stores re-opened, looking forward to a gentle cruise through the griddle pans in homewares, a satisfactory squeeze of all the jumpers on the cashmere rails and, when perusing the 12 different types of pedal bins and mops, that feeling that all is well with the world.
Eight John Lewis stores have closed this week, with 1,465 jobs at risk, despite many devotees were counting down the days until the stores re-opened
Now, for many, as shopping moves online, that simple pleasure may have gone for ever. Some sneer at John Lewis but for many the store is a much-loved lifeline.
Where else can you buy a pink velvet chair that will be delivered to your door in a week, a wooden ark for a toddler, a sewing kit, Chanel perfume, a treadmill and a pepper grinder?
Eight stores have closed this week, with 1,465 jobs at risk. Far more serious to lose your livelihood than a mere shopping experience. What a sad day all round.
There it lies, mud-bound, stuck fast, going nowhere. It is hard not to see the stricken Ever Given as some sort of terrible metaphor for 2021 so far. And for most of 2020, too.
The 200,000-ton container ship ran aground and lodged sideways in the Suez Canal earlier this week.
At the time of writing, it was still blocking the path of other vessels, which are now trapped in a logjam in both directions, with cargoes rotting, goods spoiling and precious time wasting.
A tiny bulldozer was scraping away on the bank away next to the superstructure, as useful as an ant trying to liberate an elephant.
Will it ever break free and sail away again?
Will any of us?
Good sport amid baby drama
Following wife Zara giving birth to their third baby at home this week, it was soon back to business for former rugby international Mike Tindall
Mike Tindall doesn’t seem the sentimental sort, does he? Following wife Zara giving birth to their third baby at home this week, it was soon back to business for the former rugby international.
‘As soon as he’s wrapped up, skin on skin, it’s straight downstairs, TV room, golf on,’ he explained.
I’ve seen men get more emotional about a Deliveroo delivery, but congratulations to all!