Think yourself back into love with your partner: PAUL McKENNA reveals his mind tricks to beat stress

People spending time in close proximity find feelings get amplified. That’s great in a romantic situation, or if you’re working with someone on a creative project, because the emotions involved are positive.

During lockdown, though, anxiety levels have become understandably high. And with our movement restricted, it’s currently difficult to get much space from partners, children, or any relatives who might have joined your bubble.

So it’s those anxious feelings that become amplified.

I’ll bet there have been more arguments over who did or didn’t put this or that in the dishwasher the wrong way up over the last year than in living memory.

Petty grievances over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom; deep irritation at fractious children; feeling upset by some innocuous comment from your partner — the mild annoyances you’d normally brush off can all feel too much right now.

This is to be expected. It’s just our worries about this situation coming out sideways. And, thankfully, it is possible to turn things around.

Here’s an example. A husband and wife fall out after she suggests that they go on holiday when the pandemic ends.He replies: ‘Well, I don’t want to go abroad.’ To which she says: ‘Why do you always have to be so negative?’

His next retort is: ‘Why do you have to be so difficult?’

Various other insults then get thrown, past misdemeanours are brought up, and they end up not speaking for days.

So, what went wrong?

First the wife made a suggestion, which her husband immediately modified, so she felt rejected. Then they went to and fro with unhelpful ‘Why are you so…?’ questions before dragging up the past.

See how they ended up trapped in a self-reinforcing loop; an argumentative merry-go-round that became ever harder to jump off. I expect you can think of something similar that happened within one of your relationships during lockdown.

It’s important now, more than ever, that we try to break those loops as early as possible. A great way to do that is to ask a question which has, at its heart, the desire to know what fear or unmet need the other person is expressing, albeit in a round-about way, by their words or actions.

For example, I try hard to remember to ask my wife ‘What is it that I am doing or not doing that you want me to change?’ whenever I get into an argument with her, as early as possible.

Or I’ll wonder, in my head or aloud, ‘Is there some worry or fear our conversation might have brought to the surface, for me or for her?’ when feelings of upset or frustration suddenly surface as if from nowhere.

Let’s return to that warring couple. Let’s say his mother is frail. Exploring the idea that fear could be playing a part in his initial response might reveal that the pandemic has brought home his mother’s mortality.

Seeing people trapped abroad last year could make him worry that, should his mum be taken ill, he might not get back to her in time if he travels overseas before this health crisis is over.

Talking through such fears, and exploring alternatives to a foreign trip, could mean that what started as an argument ends up being a chance to explore some difficult feelings, problem-solve together, and become closer.

You can apply the same principles to situations with fractious children. Next time tensions rise, try asking a question that will allow the person you’re with to express how they are feeling. And if the first one that springs to mind starts ‘Why are you so…?’, try to think of another one instead. 

For information on Paul’s books, including Control Stress, I Can Make You Happy, Instant Confidence and I Can Make You Sleep, visit: paulmckennabooks.co.uk