Ollie and Gareth’s stag do is still happening.
Ollie is once again sampling the baked delicacies of the Cornish coast. He is wolfing down a creamy scone debating the age-old dilemma of whether you put the cream on or the jam on first. No good stag do should be allowed to take place without this being discussed.
Sam is on the precipice of caving in to Zara’s persistent harassment. The latest is that she’s been hanging around at his letter box and stuffing protein bars and vitamin softgels through to woo him.
Unfaithful: Sam is on the precipice of caving in to Zara’s persistent harassment but says she’ll always be a cheater in Monday’s Made In Chelsea
She’s also sent him an eternity ring. They do enjoy an eternity ring in Chelsea, don’t they? Especially the Thompsons. Ryan gave one to Louise, Sam gave one to Tiff, Zara’s given one to Sam. Sam now needs to give one to Ryan and the Fellowship can finally be complete.
If you’ll recall, Harvey made the biggest mistake of his life and went to Cornwall, leaving Emily to lug their new king-sized mattress up the spiral staircase of their new house by herself, and assemble all the Ikea flat-pack on her own.
Habbs rocks up to Cornwall. Harvey is very awkward. Almost upsettingly awkward. He doesn’t quite know where to look and doesn’t speak and it’s all a bit weird. This is bizarre given that he voluntarily decided to go and join the others, knowing full-well that Habbs was also going to be there, so it all gets a bit We Need To Talk About Kevin.
Sam has a go at Verity for upsetting Liv and she cries real wet tears, which must be nice for Sam to see given that Zara can’t squeeze out a sniff of wetness from her eyes.
Fury: Before long this chat becomes hysterical with Sam implying Zara will cheat on him again. ‘Never!’ she screams into the wind
Freddie has drafted the following Tinder bio: ‘Just a small town boy, looking for a Home Counties girl. Cracking banter. Oxford dictionary on the streets, urban dictionary in the sheets.’
Mark Francis is mortified, naturally. As are we all. This is a very odd B-story and is lasting an unusually lengthy amount of time. Most people write a Tinder bio between watching back-to-back episodes of Four In A Bed on a Sunday afternoon, having not managed to get anyone to go out with them for yet another consecutive weekend in a row.
Not Mark Francis and Freddie, though. They put on matching herringbone blazers and order a nice Veuve Clicquot.
Mark Francis is distracted by Freddie’s talk about ‘the sheets’. ‘Do you sleep under a duvet?’ he asks, aghast. Apparently Mark Francis doesn’t. Presumably he sleeps on Victorian-style double under-blankets and an eider-down quilt for the winter.
Hmm: Sam meets Zara on a roof and asks her what she’s been up to. ‘Not been up to much,’ she says. Yeah, except for renting the house opposite Sam’s and catapulting fudge brownie flavoured Carb Crushers over his front hedge
Either this or he sleeps hanging upside down in a pod in the wine cellar.
Tristan and Ollie have it out over a pair of steaming teas. It’s still all about what’s best for Liv. She’d be better off wading into the nearby lake and waiting for a by-standing angler to happen upon her at this rate.
Sam meets Zara on a roof and asks her what she’s been up to.
‘Not been up to much,’ she says. Yeah, except for renting the house opposite Sam’s and catapulting fudge brownie flavoured Carb Crushers over his front hedge.
Before long this chat becomes hysterical with Sam implying Zara will cheat on him again.
‘Never!’ she screams into the wind, much like Pocahontas would.
Stylish: What’s nice is that Sam is wearing a black coat and blue top and Zara a blue coat and black top. The symmetry is a lot more interesting than this rooftop drama
Not giving up: Zara shed more tears over Sam as she wept on a rooftop
What’s nice is that Sam is wearing a black coat and blue top and Zara a blue coat and black top. The symmetry is a lot more interesting than this rooftop drama.
Back at the bachelor do, chat has turned to coagulated dairy. ‘If you were a cheese what would you be?’ Gareth and Ollie ask Paris.
Brie, she says, predictably. Wouldn’t it have been funny if she’d surprised us all and said something obscure like Timberdoodle or Stinking Bishop.
Over wine, Tristan says he wants to take Liv on a date and then tells her he burst into tears when he got back to his room last night. So he’s plied her with booze and then made her feel really bad about herself. Basically, this is everything that happens on a date so no need for these two to actually go on one.
Habbs and Harvey have a chat and Habbs is very nice and friendly and Harvey can’t move his face.
Upset: Zara was once again begging Sam for his forgiveness for her infidelity
‘Why’s Emily not here?’ asks Habbs. Harvey mumbles something in response, neglecting to add that he left Emily in London to blow up their new inflatable mattress without so much as a foot pump.
The next morning, Harvey appears at breakfast with Liv and Tiff. He is all shifty and weird, much like someone is after they’ve managed to get away with scanning one bag of Doritos instead of two at the self-checkout.
He reels off something about wanting to immediately return to London to see Emily because Habbs was, according to him, flitting around all night, asking him to come into her bedroom and reminisce about the good times.
Husband to be: Ollie and Gareth’s stag do is still happening. Ollie is once again sampling the baked delicacies of the Cornish coast
Drama: If you’ll recall, Harvey made the biggest mistake of his life and went to Cornwall, leaving Emily to lug their new king-sized mattress up the spiral staircase of their new house by herself, and assemble all the Ikea flat-pack on her own.
Tiff smells a rat. And she’s vegan, so she’s good at this.
She has a word with Habbs, who claims it was Harvey doing all the flitting, trying to get her to go outside and look at the stars in just her T-shirt and knickers.
He was either trying to flirt or planning to bury her in the woods – this is still unclear.
Back home, Harvey returns to Emily with a bouquet of guilt flowers and tells her that Habbs was very ‘tappy’ with him. Emily is seething. Especially given that she was left at home while this was going on, mounting her ‘Dream big, Work hard, Make it happen’ canvas in the kitchen.
Made In Chelsea continues at 9PM on E4 next Monday.
Here she is: Habbs rocks up to Cornwall. Harvey is very awkward. Almost upsettingly awkward