As summer draws to a stormy close, I’m weaning myself off my holiday addiction: looking at celebs in bikinis online.
There I am, sitting in my kitchen, hunched over my laptop and bloated from the curry I ate last night, torturing myself by scrolling through Mail Online, Instagram and the recent addition of TikTok.
From Rita Ora in Ibiza and super-slim Gwyneth in the Hamptons to Amanda Holden on her staycation, they all look gorgeous. Did they spend lockdown doing Joe Wicks workouts on repeat? These pictures are my catnip clickbait.
As I scroll, and look down at my own tummy rolls, I have a word with myself. ‘Must get to the gym and avoid the custard creams,’ my inner voice insists for the umpteenth time.
Susanna Reid revealed she’s been ‘torturing’ herself by scrolling through photos of celebrities wearing bikinis. Pictured: Halle and her trainer
Looking at pictures of these glamorous women strolling on the beach or frolicking in the surf fires up my resolve to get myself fit. But let me be honest, I would rather wear a hazmat suit on holiday than get caught by a camera in swimwear. Because looking that good in not very much takes a lot of work. And work is what I am going on holiday to get away from.
Take beautiful 27-year-old Perrie Edwards from Little Mix, who recently revealed the motivation for her intense pre-holiday workout. She said she dreaded seeing pictures of herself on the beach — and would end up in tears.
This year was different. Because, in the same way most of us might spend the days leading up to a break getting a mani, pedi and wax, she put herself through a gruelling two-week training programme before jetting off to Ibiza with her footballer boyfriend, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.
Her personal trainer chipped in, saying they focused on abs, lower body work and two-minute planks. Plus Perrie topped up with extra workouts in the evenings. It’s exhausting just thinking about it — anyone would need a holiday after that. Meanwhile, curvy Kelly Brook has admitted she’s trying to shed the pounds she added during lockdown due to ‘snacksidents’ and boredom. Now that’s a revelation I can very much relate to.
Despite being utterly gorgeous, Kelly said her old fans now see her as a 40-year-old fat girl who can no longer be classed a pin-up and admitted she’s struggling with her self-image. It breaks my heart that anyone as beautiful as Perrie or Kelly is feeling this way. The trolls and body-shamers have a lot to answer for.
I’ve been trolled myself for adding on pounds and would dread the negative comments if I posted beach pictures.
Susanna (pictured) said there is enormous value in staying fit and healthy, however many people begin unrealistic regimes and then junk them in despair because they’re never going to look like Halle Berry
Sometimes I can’t help thinking life would be easier if we all just did as men do, and adopted the ‘dadbod’ look that seems perfectly acceptable for them — a few pounds over perfect, not terribly toned, but healthy just the same. And no inclination to beat themselves up, either.
That’s certainly what I did during my family holiday in the Med before quarantine kicked in. I just relaxed. Squeezed into a black Lycra number inspired by Sarah Jessica Parker’s beach look, I sat in the sun where only my boys could see me.
It was a relief not to feel the pressure to look a certain way.
Of course, we are tackling a crisis of obesity in this country and there is enormous value in staying fit and healthy. But too many people begin unrealistic regimes and then junk them in despair because they’re never going to look like Halle Berry.
Oh yes, Halle is at the top of my list of bikini-clad celebs to scrutinise. The 54-year-old actress recently posted a gorgeous shot of herself strolling on the beach in a one-piece, which she captioned ‘motivation is key’.
For a moment I started giving myself a lecture on getting motivated — then I remembered. Halle has been working out for a martial arts movie and I’m just trying to nudge myself back to the gym so I can look presentable when I return to GMB next week.
Comparison — as some wise person famously remarked — is the thief of joy.
Susanna who is approaching her 50th birthday, said all the women she considers proper supermodels are now over the age of 50. Pictured: Claudia Schiffer
So although I’m still going to click through images of celebrity perfection, I’ll try to see them as inspiring rather than using them to taunt myself as I concentrate on dropping the lockdown pounds.
The motivation that counts is our own health. Not someone else’s perfect figure, or nasty things people say online.
And me and my dadbod need to remember that.
All the best people are turning fifty
With my 50th approaching at the end of this year, I finally have something in common with supermodel Claudia Schiffer who has just reached that milestone. I wouldn’t dare say I’m measuring up to the tall, glamorous, willowy blonde, but I do share her attitude to getting older.
She says she’s never felt more confident.
Now all the women I consider proper supermodels are 50-plus — Claudia, plus Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Cindy Crawford . . . and no one younger can match them. Who could be sad about hitting 50 when you’re in such fabulous company?
How should Boris carry his baby? Who cares, as long as he does
Susanna said men wearing babies on their chests is adorable and it’s unlikely that Carrie Symonds cares how Boris (pictured) carries their offspring
Of all the issues that send my co- host Piers into meltdown, I have no idea why baby carriers top the list. He’s bizarrely convinced that men holding their babies in slings look emasculated and ‘ridiculous’ — and lashed out first at James Bond actor Daniel Craig and now Boris Johnson over them.
Yes, the pictures of our PM holding baby Wilf in a precariously low-slung papoose are rather reminiscent of those shots of Meghan looking awkward carrying Archie. But why it sends Piers into such a tizz is hard to fathom.
He seems to think ‘real men’ should never strap on a baby sling, but I think men wearing their babies on their chests is adorable.
Anyway, I bet Carrie Symonds couldn’t care less how Boris carries their offspring.
All a new mum wants is to have the bundle of joy taken off her hands for a few minutes, so she can have a nap.
You’re too uncool for Mykonos, my friends told me
When my annual trip to relive my youth on Ibiza with Judge Rinder was taken off the cards by quarantine, I started dreaming of Mykonos.
It’s in Greece, so you can still travel there, and if anything these days it’s even cooler than the White Isle.
But when I told some friends I was thinking of heading there, they laughed and said I was far too middle-aged to hang out with ultra-fashionable twenty somethings. Charming!
Latest news out of Mykonos, where Manchester United captain Harry Maguire was recently in court, suggests they were spot-on.
I couldn’t handle the heat.