Why do soapland folk never dress for the weather? Unlike in real life, there are no parents nagging their offspring to wrap up in winter or suggesting that wearing thermals in summer might not be a great idea.
Corrie’s Gary was still in his winter overcoat last week – we’re nearly at the end of July. Gail has been in her trademark polo neck sweaters since she joined the show in 1974 – in fact, I think they’re the same ones.
At least Kevin was more appropriately dressed for summer, in a mauve T-shirt and jacket, but he looked more like Cluedo’s Professor Plum than a trendy middle-aged man.
You have to feel sorry for the people of Emmerdale, because no matter how rainy and freezing the Dales are, hardly anyone has clothing for the cold. True, Moira has a decent enough coat, but given that she rarely has her kit on, it’s negligible.
But it’s the EastEnders lot I feel most sorry for. No umbrellas, no scarves, few woollen hats – poor Sharon has only her false eyelashes to keep her warm.
Fair play, though: not even a Marriott could provide as much shelter in a storm.
EMMERDALE: SLICES OF LIFE
Andrea and Belle battle for Jamie’s affections in this week’s Emmerdale, following Kim’s ranting last week about him being a Tate. Pictured: Jamie and Andrea
‘I can hardly believe you’re a Tate,’ Kim ranted at Jamie last week. Quite frankly, I can hardly believe he’s human.
It’s as if all the strong women around him are doing their utmost to try to inject some oomph into this lifeless character; he makes a post-mortem look like Glastonbury.
Despite Belle (inset) and Andrea (pictured with Jamie) battling for his affections either side of him, he’s still the barely visible filling in the sandwich. Potted paste, at best.
How will he cope with the excitement with Jai when they start interviews for the restaurant manager roles (they may have to call paramedics)? Amy, Matty and Laurel have applied – none of them, by the way, is remotely qualified to do it; and do you really want Laurel in the presence of alcohol?
We know where that path leads. She’s never made the best decisions sober; put her within a metre of a Happy Hour and nothing but the intervention of men in white coats is going to restrain her.
Cain and Moira continue to grow close, but she has yet to notice his hair got considerably greyer during her hospital sojourn. Where’s the Grecian 2000 when you need it?
CORONATION STREET: DRIVING US MAD
Ed (pictured) plans for an online wedding anniversary party for his wife, however the plans go awry when Aggie has to isolate at a hotel in Coronation Street
You can tell you’re in the middle of a pandemic and having to shoot scenes with social distancing when an inanimate object takes centre stage.
When Aggie has to take the bus to work because the car won’t start, Abi tells Ed that she can use Kevin’s car until it’s fixed.
Right. One: have we ever seen Aggie drive anywhere? Two: since when did Kevin have a car? Three: does anyone drive and, if so, why are there always so many people at the bus stop, waiting for the Weatherfield Snail?
It’s all a ploy to make us Covid aware, and for the neighbours to celebrate Aggie putting herself on the front line in these difficult times; however, Ed’s plans for an online wedding anniversary party for his wife go awry when Aggie has to isolate at a hotel after a colleague displays Covid symptoms.
Now, to be pedantic: why is Ed blowing up balloons, potentially adding to the Covid problem, while his wife is trying to combat it at the hospital? Just sayin’.
With yet another car taking centre stage in the Gary/Sarah storyline (expect to see a lot more scenes starring inanimate objects in the weeks ahead), what other ingenious ways can there be to shoot scenes enforcing social distancing?
Thank goodness, in a crisis, for Mary, who takes to singing in Italian from an upstairs window. Sean is not happy and tells her to zip it.
You know when Rent a Gob is telling someone else to shut up, it must be really bad.
EASTENDERS: FIRTY YEARS ON
Ten months after Lucy (pictured) was murdered, Kaffy who was presumed dead after a car crash makes a return in an episode of EastEnders from 2015
For those who remembered the birth of EastEnders in 1985, the 30-year anniversary was a salutary reminder of our age.
This week’s iconic episode brings us to 2015, ten months after Lucy was murdered, and the Beales edging towards discovering that age-old East End concept, The Troof.
It also reintroduces Kaffy (to this day, the letter ‘h’ eludes everyone in Walford), presumed dead after a car crash in 2006. The suspense is killing.
There’s Phil (well, Phil Lite back then) waiting in a car park, when Kaffy alights from a cab: ‘A loaf, ill.’ Eh? Ah, got it! ‘Allo, Phil.’ Or should that be Fil?