Last week I was left longing for the Big Brother of old, which felt like a bunch of kids on a Schoolies bender with a Sharpie and express permission to draw dongs on all the oldies.
It was godawful television but at least the joke was on them, not us.
Well it seems the Big Brother gods were finally listening on Sunday, graciously dedicating the first hour to poking fun at the housemates’ deep-seated trauma.
Shame about the rest of the episode.
At last! Last week, the joke was on the viewer. But Big Brother finally listened on Sunday, graciously dedicating the first hour to poking fun at the housemates’ deep-seated trauma. Shame about the rest of the episode.
With 75% of Big Brother’s most interesting housemates evicted in week one, the boring bogan brigade were left picking up the pieces.
‘Hey Sa-wah,’ said failed gymnast Sophie, with a mouth full of toothpaste.
‘Why don’t you sit down first, I can’t hear you,’ Sarah replied.
Sophie sat down but continued brushing, because apparently gravity was the issue and not the fact it sounded like she was drowning in a minty vat of mediocrity.
Bogan brigade: With 75% of Big Brother’s most interesting housemates evicted in week one, the boring bogan brigade were left picking up the pieces. This week: Sophie & Chad. A love story
Sophie to Sarah: ‘You know when I said I was only here for the money and not the boring, lifeless men? Well I didn’t realise they’d have someone in here as imperfectly perfect as Chad
Sophie: ‘You know when I said I was only here for the money and not the boring, lifeless men?’
Sarah: ‘Yeah, you opened with that instead of “hello” on night one, why?’
Sophie: ‘Well I didn’t realise they’d have someone in here as imperfectly perfect as Chad’
Sarah: ‘I agree. It’s really important to show the world the plight of the male model. It’s not every day you get to witness a grown man burn himself five times trying to work out which tap was “hot”.’
Sophie: ‘Yeah he is hot, isn’t he? Thanks babe!’
Chad ouchie: Sarah: ‘I agree. It’s really important to show the world the plight of the male model. It’s not every day you get to witness a grown man burn himself five times trying to work out which tap was “hot”
Thanks! Sophie: ‘Yeah he is hot, isn’t he? Thanks babe!’
Best Night Ever
Worth it: Over in his fortress of solitude (David Koch’s basement), Big Brother was putting the finishing touches on his latest torture device. ‘Introducing, the Ginger-Dread House!’ he yelled
Over in his fortress of solitude (David Koch’s basement), Big Brother was putting the finishing touches on his latest torture device.
‘Introducing, the Ginger-Dread House!’ he yelled.
‘For the last time Gavin, keep it down!’ yelled Kochie from upstairs, ‘I have to be up for work at 4am!
‘If you’re going to be up all night working on nonsense segments, you can go and stay at Sam Mac’s house. He loves that s**t!’
The premise was devilishly simple: One-by-one the housemates entered the Ginger-Dread House. Their biggest fear was waiting on the other side.
Sarah was up first.
Here we go! The premise was devilishly simple: One-by-one the housemates entered the Ginger-Dread House. Their biggest fear was waiting on the other side
‘Oh that’s weird?’ she said, ‘I don’t have a phobia of Just Dance 2020 OR eight litre vats of red cordial?’
‘Far out Sam you promised you’d clean up!’ Big Brother screamed, before cutting to commercial so he could clear the remnants of his best night ever.
When Sarah reentered the room, four knee-sized glory holes were staring back at her.
Yep, Sarah is scared of knees.
Glory: When Sarah reentered the room, four knee-sized glory holes were staring back at her. Yep, Sarah is scared of knees. ‘Moisturise the knees!’ yelled Big Brother, as Sarah bawled her eyes out. Now THIS is good TV
‘Moisturise the knees!’ yelled Big Brother.
‘But I can’t,’ bawled Sarah, ‘they’re too knobbly!’
Now THIS is good TV.
Elsewhere, Danni gagged her way through a bubble bath, Casey grated a bunch of cheese and Lovable Larrikin Daniel begged three mortified pigeons for mercy.
Elsewhere: Elsewhere, Danni gagged her way through a bubble bath, Casey grated a bunch of cheese and Lovable Larrikin Daniel (pictured) begged three mortified pigeons for mercy
More of this please Seven, I barely even looked at my phone.
The housemates were successful, earning a gourmet dessert spread as a reward.
‘How come I didn’t get to go in? Where’s my biggest fear?’ asked country bumpkin Mat.
‘Male pattern baldness Mat. You’re living it!’ Big Brother replied.
What about me? ‘How come I didn’t get to go in? Where’s my biggest fear?’ asked country bumpkin Mat. ‘Male pattern baldness Mat. You’re living it!’ Big Brother replied
Old Habits
Pole position: Angela won the eviction challenge, which tasked tasked the housemates to be the last one clinging onto a large pole. It was as boring but at least it only went for 5 minutes
Angela won the eviction challenge, which tasked tasked the housemates to be the last one clinging onto a large pole.
It was as boring as it sounds but at least it only went for 5 minutes.
I wish the same could be said about the eviction segment at the end, which still takes up the entire second half of the episode.
Seven, if you’re reading this: stop it. The whole show turns into scripted Married At First Sight rubbish as we’re expected to go along with all the fake drama.
STOP: I wish the same could be said about the eviction segment at the end, which still takes up the entire second half of the episode. Forty-five minutes of script MAFS nonsense
This week, it was ‘Queen’ of the house Talia versus Angela.
Talia: ‘OMG guys, Angela is coming this was and she can NOT sit with us!’
Angela: ‘Hey guys, mind if I sit here?’
Talia: ‘Yeah no worries babe, of course!’
Also Talia: ‘Oh my god Big Brother, did you see Angela? She just sat next to me. I’m going to vote that skank out so hard.’
Sonia: ‘It’s time to go, Talia!
Talia: ‘OMG guys, Angela is coming this was and she can NOT sit with us!’ Also Talia: ‘Oh my god Big Brother, did you see Angela? She just sat next to me. I’m going to vote that skank out so hard’
What!? Sonia: ‘It’s time to go, Talia!
Jesus, Seven. I haven’t screamed at a screen for this long since the time I tried to teach my Nan how to download an app.
The results were similar: Forty-five minutes of uninterrupted hell.
In fairness, this is the same network that took three years to work out Pete Evans had fallen off the edge of the flat earth, dragging MKR kicking and screaming with him.
And just like trying to teach your 85-year-old grandmother how to use technology: patience may be a virtue, but time is running out.
I get it, Dan: Jesus, Seven. I haven’t screamed at a screen for this long since the time I tried to teach my Nan how to download an app. The results were similar: Forty-five minutes of uninterrupted hell