A foster parent with 25 years of experience revealed she was reduced to tears when the boy she was fostering told her he had been sexually abused.
Cathy Glass has written 33 memoirs about her experiences as a foster carer to more than 150 children, and has sold more than 4.5 million copies worldwide, and her latest book, Too Scared To Tell, recalls the harrowing moment where Oskar, six, admitted to her that he had been repeatedly sexually abused.
Oskar’s mother, Roksana, worked long hours and often left her son in the care of the people she lived with in a shared house, where the tenant turnaround was high, and he was abused when she went out of the country, leaving him in the care of strangers.
Cathy, who uses a pen name to protect her identity, also changed the name of the boy and his relatives, as well as the people she worked with on his case in order to safeguard their anonymity.
Speaking to FEMAIL, she revealed that she’s often the first one a child tells if they’ve been sexually abused, and that you ‘don’t ever come to terms with’ what you hear as a foster carer.
Foster parent and best-selling author Cathy Glass has said that stories of sexual abuse still keep her up at night (pictured: a child hiding in a corner, stock picture)
Speaking of her latest novel, Cathy revealed she was still in contact with Oskar, and that his mother only sees him about once a year.
Oskar came into her care because his teacher contacted the authorities after he stolen food from school, because he was starving.
He also arrived at school with bruises, and had a series of ‘uncles’, who did not speaking English, picking him up from school.
Oskar eventually admitted to his teacher that the ‘uncles’ beat him at home, and his pale appearance as well as hunger and bruises alerted the teacher, who contacted social services.
With his mother being unreachable and out of the country, Cathy was asked to look after the six-year-old for a period of time, and he came to live with her.
Cathy found that Oskar did not have an adult figure to rely on where he lived, because his mother did not have time to look after him.
In Too Scared to Tell, she recounts a scene where Oskar, six, admits to her he’s been sexually abused by two peadophiles who had been staying with his mother.
Too Scared to Tell is published by Harper Collins and is available for purchase
The two men had offered him toys and threatened to kill him if he talked about it to anyone.
‘They made me take off my pants. They touched my private parts and took photographs,’ the young boy reveals.
When Cathy tried to reassure Oksar that the two men – whose names he did not know – could not hurt him anymore, he was still terrified.
‘They said they’d find me if I told and cut me up in little bits, but I had to tell you because I’m unhappy all the time.’
Cathy revealed Oskar’s admissions left her speechless and ‘blinking back tears’, with ‘her voice caught in my throat.’
After Oskar revealed that the two men ‘made him’ do degrading things and saying he did not want to, Cathy was forced to assured him that it wasn’t his fault.
‘No, it certainly wasn’t your fault. None of it was. Bad men like that tell the child they are abusing it’s a game and they enjoy it.
‘They give them gifts and threaten them, which makes the child very confused, so it’s more difficult for them to tell. You’ve been very brave, Oskar, I am proud of you,’ she told him.
The two men would often sexually abuse the child after school when there was no one home but them, or when his mother was visiting Oscar’s brother Luka, 12, who had stayed in their home country.
The boy displayed classic signs of child abuse, including having night terrors, episodes where he wet himself, and refusing to undress in front of Cathy.
Early on, Cathy suspected Oskar might have been a victim of sexual abuse, but was waiting for him to open about it so she could report it to the social services.
His mother was questioned by the police, but the two men responsible for the abuse, escaped the police visit, potentially because they were tipped off.
She also revealed that in order to exorcise his demons, Oskar had repeated the behaviour he suffered with another child at school, asking him to take off his trousers and threatening to ‘cut him into bits’ if he did not comply, something his attackers had told him.
‘Children who have been sexually abused often display sexualised behaviour,’ she wrote.
The foster parent had to talk Oskar through which parts of the body were ‘private’ and which parts were ‘okay.’
‘I settled Oskar at the table in our kitchen-diner with a drink and I took out a large sheet of plain paper and some crayons.
‘I sat beside him and asked him to draw the outline of a person, which he did.
‘I told him to colour in red all the parts of the body that were private, and then those in green that others could see and touch with our permission.’
While Oskar had a good understanding of what was private or ‘okay,’ Cathy revealed she had done the same exercise with children who had been so badly sexually abused, that they didn’t think any part of their body was private.
She then concluded by telling Oskar: ‘I know those wicked men made you show your private parts, but that was very wrong of them. You mustn’t do it to anyone else because it will hurt them as it hurt you.’
At the end of the book, it was revealed that Oskar will go back to his home country to leave with his brother, under the care of their aunt and their family.
It was also revealed that the two men responsible for his abuse were caught by police, and trialed for their crime.
Cathy and the aunt, Dol, made plans to keep in touch and to allow Oskar to use Skype to see Cathy when he wanted to.
Cathy revealed to Femail that she still kept in touch with Oskar and his family, via Skype. However, she said his mother only visited once a year for Christmas, and had not left the multiple-occupancy house she lived in at the time of the abuse.
‘Sadly many of the children who come into care have been sexually abused. It is a lot more widespread than is generally realised,’ she said.
‘Despite fostering for many years it is still harrowing and upsetting to hear a child describe what has happened to them.
‘I have sleepless nights and of course if they tell the rest of my family they are upset too. You don’t ever come to terms with what you hear but you have to remain calm to help the child.
‘I think counselling should be offered to all foster carers as well as the children,’ she added.
Having spent years fostering children from troubled backgrounds, Cathy admitted she still struggles to say goodbye when it was time for children to leave her care.
‘It is never easy to say goodbye to the children we have loved and cared for. I liken it to a mini bereavement,’ she said.
‘But often as one child leaves the next one is due to arrive, so while grieving for one we are also welcoming the next.
‘There is always a shortage of foster carers in the UK. We miss the children, but often they keep in touch which is fantastic,’ she added.
‘Some people who would like to foster feel they can’t because they couldn’t say goodbye. It is very difficult.’
Like the rest of the country, Cathy is currently on lockdown, and is currently fostering a child, which as made keeping contact with parents a challenge.
‘I had a young child placed with me just before lockdown. Face-to-face contact for the child – when he sees his mother – has stopped,’ she said.
‘We use live-streaming like Zoom, Skype and Whatsapp video calls but in some ways it makes it worse. It upsets him because he can see and hear his mother but can’t actually be with her.
‘Routine visits from social workers and meetings have stopped for now, but we are in regular contact by phone and email,’ she explained.