Made In Chelsea: Tiff’s return upsets Zara, excites Miles and rattles Sam

This week starts with the news that Miles and Beth are over and no one is shocked nor cares.

Remember Beth? She was dating Miles. He never spoke nor looked at her but there we go.

Meanwhile, the Emily/Habbs/Harvey saga rumbles on.

Sam insists that ‘if there’s one couple that cannot preach it’s Jamie and Habbs’ which is a fair point given that they not only threw Sam under the bus when they started dating, they reversed the bus over his face thrice.

Emily has written a letter that she gives to Verity to give to Habbs.

Verity chooses to do this just as Habbs is ranting about how upset she is that Emily has not been in touch. On being presented with said letter – which is indeed a method of being in touch – Habbs says she DOESN’T want it.

‘She could have called or texted!’ is Habbs’ reasoning, truly championing the digital age.

Habbs fails to see that someone sitting down and taking pen to paper, maybe even by candlelight and with a quill at a roll-top bureau, is far more meaningful than texting ‘Wanna talk hun?’

Fred is in the recording studio listening to his single Messed Up on a loop [he has since released two others, listen to them]. Sophie and Ollie pop in and Ollie decides to try reigniting the flames that have long-smoldered between the German temptress and the Icelandic hunk.  

Louise has been meeting with architects so she can smash through the party wall between her and Sam’s houses and create some sort of massive upstairs chamber. 

There’s then some casual Essex-shaming, as Sam and Louise scoff at the thought of crushed velvet furnishings which is apparently all Zara can talk about.

Poor Zara, also in this episode she is asked by Melissa, Habbs and Verity if they might go on a night out in Essex so as to raise their cultural awareness.

Sugar Hut doesn’t know what’s about to befall it.

Liv has got a date. With a woman, by Jove! She announces this as casually as one might ask someone else to pass the Tabasco sauce whilst round at their friend’s for a fajita evening.

Mark Francis has hired a gallery for the night so he can stare at a painting for hours without having ‘other people in his peripheral vision’. Turns out his home renovations are nearly there and that there is just a little guiding left to do.

Gold leaf or bronze doré, Mark?

Jamie and Habbs are at their wits’ end over Harvey and Emily, they really are.

Jamie’s now changed his tune about the whole thing. From saying last week that it won’t last two weeks to now suggesting they could even fall in love, he is telling Habbs to pretty much get over it.

Miles is on a dating app – he does not specify which – and OMG has matched with Tiff from yesteryear.

He asks Sam if it’s okay if he takes Tiff out on a date and Sam says to go for it, despite secretly screaming inside.

Fred and Sophie are tucking into what looks like bratwurst soaked in gravy and discuss their will they/won’t they situation. Sophie’s interest has peaked since Liv told her Fred has an Icelandic sword.

It’s all very sweet and we desperately want them to sweep their plates onto the floor and embrace across the table, but instead Fred rounds off the lunch with the wise words: ‘We have to protect this friendship, because this is sacred.’

Can’t you be sacred and naughty at the same time, Freddie-Maus? 

Rosi educates Mark Francis on up-cycling, which he does not like the sound of. 

Well, Mark Francis, if you’re going to send a team into the Romanian forests to demolish a load of 18th Century huts so you can have your unique parquet flooring made then you shall have to learn how to call a spade a spade, shan’t you?

Sam talks to Louise about Tiff’s return, and that Miles is taking her on a date.

Louise is so shocked at this her jaw unhinges as if she were an asp. 

‘Between me and you she was the love of my life,’ Sam confides in his sister, in front of a film crew for a show that will air to the masses.

Zara then turns up and is fuming about Tiff coming back on the scene, causing Louise to leave the room, presumably to go upstairs and assess precisely how much of Sam’s back bedroom she can poach when she knocks through.

Meanwhile, Miles and Tiff have their date. Miles can’t quite believe he’s seeing Tiff in person. ‘Here I am!’ she declares.

Miles then asserts that they’re both ‘very single’. And somewhere, out there, Beth sits at her spinning wheel, shedding a solitary tear.

Made In Chelsea continues on Monday at 9PM on E4.