The UK’s coronavirus death toll now stands at 3,605, and sadly many grieving families have been forced to say goodbye over video or phone calls, or been unable to physically touch their loved one in their last moments.
While funerals are still going ahead, only a very limited number of people, who are close family members or belong to the deceased person’s household, can attend.
Denied a proper goodbye, Clinical Director of Cruse Bereavement Care Andy Langford and Sue Gill, a Bereavement Volunteer with the charity’s York branch, have revealed that people will naturally feel ‘cheated’ and ‘guilty’ if their loved one died alone.
Here, the charity shares its advice on how to cope with death during the coronavirus crisis, including letting your anger out and finding an alternative way to say your final goodbye on your own terms.
Cruse Bereavement Care shared with FEMAIL how to deal with death during the coronavirus crisis (stock image)
Don’t rely on distractions
‘I think it will certainly have an impact on them’, said Andy, ‘Whether that’s a long term mental impact or a short term. If someone hasn’t been able to say goodbye, this can add further distress to an already difficult time when they are grieving.
‘They may feel cheated that they weren’t able to be with that person, and they may also feel a sense of guilt if they died alone, even though this was not at all their fault.’
Andy told how bereavement during a pandemic is ‘particularly difficult’ because things like ensuring they can get enough food from the supermarkets, making sure their children are cared for if they are no longer at school, can all be distractions from grief.
He went on: ‘Focusing on these things is entirely understandable, but it can also mean that they can end up putting your strong feelings of grief aside, which can have longer term negative consequences.’
Be honest with friends and family
Andy said: ‘What we would say at Cruse first and foremost is to try to keep in regular contact with friends and family.
‘Just because you can’t be together in person doesn’t mean you can’t be together in other ways, such as over the phone or using the internet.
‘Make sure you tell people if you’re struggling, and keep talking about the person who had died and how you’re feeling.
‘Keeping things bottled up will be particularly harmful in these circumstances when lots of people are in isolation.’
Honour the person in your own way
Andy revealed: ‘If you haven’t been able to say goodbye, there are other things you can do to mark the occasion if you’ve missed the funeral, or to honour the person in your own way.
‘You could set aside sometime at home to hold your own act of memorial, or you could write a letter to the person who has died, and tell them the things that you would have told them had you been able to say goodbye. At Cruse we know that writing letters does provide comfort to people.’
Sue added: ‘We often suggest writing a letter just to tell them all the things you wish you’d said, if you had five minutes before they died. Write it down by, all means. Just because you can’t have a funeral, have a special place in your home. ‘
Make sure you are looking after yourself
Andy said: ‘Try and get enough sleep if you can, try and eat well and get some fresh air or exercise (in line with the restrictions).
‘Make sure that you build a routine that works for you. It will be important to keep this as much as possible, as the days and weeks go by.’
Sue added: ‘Really, really treasure and look after yourself. Especially if you’re home on your own, then you need to be careful and look after yourself. It can be really hard, but it’s what your loved one would want you to do.’
Allow yourself to be angry
Sue told: ‘You’ve every right to be angry, you’ve had that person taken away from you. Especially if you’ve had that person taken away a little bit faster than you thought you would.
‘Especially with a young person, it’s not fair, it’s not the right way around. It’s especially not the right way around if a parent has to bury a child.
‘So there’s a lot of anger around and that’s okay. Go outside and scream to the heavens and shout every swear word you can think of, it’s okay to get rid of that anger and share that anger.
‘If you want to direct it at whoever, the hospital, the doctors, God, the person that think they got the virus from – that’s okay. To release that anger and not bottle that down.’
Think of yourself first
Sue said: ‘Remember that your grief is very important that you don’t diminish it in any way at all. That you acknowledge your grief is very important and you talk with loved ones even if you can’t be with them and don’t feel like you have to think of anyone else.
‘With grief we have that thing where people ring up and say how are you and we say we’re fine when we’re not. Talk about and acknowledge what you are feeling.
‘Bereavement is not an illness, the surest thing in life is everyone will die. There is no right or wrong way. How you grieve is unique to you.’
Talk about the person who has died
Sue told: ‘Ring everybody up and talk about that person. Just because they’re not there and you can’t sit in a group and share with your family – it’s really, really important to talk about that person and talk about your feelings.’